What is Forgiveness?
Can We Forgive the One Who Traumatized Us?
“Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” In Luke 11:1-4, Jesus’ disciples had just asked Jesus to teach them to pray. They must have been thunderstruck when he included those words in his answer to their question: “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Jesus told them to ask the Father to forgive their enemies, the ones who hurt them, in the same way that they would love to be forgiven.
They might very well have said, “But wait, you mean my being forgiven hinges upon whether I have forgiven the people who have hurt me?”
Forgiving those who have hurt us is one of the most difficult acts we could ever do. For some, being able to forgive begins to happen perhaps as a by-product of an ongoing healing process and over a great length of time. That process includes being able to let go of feelings – whatever they are – feelings of hurt, resentment and hatred, bitterness, anger, and the desire for revenge, shame and the determination not to be vulnerable anymore.
Forgiveness is difficult. There isn’t anything easy about it. To be able to forgive does involve a stage of healing, in which we are willing and ready to let go of pain and negative emotions of the past, no longer wanting to punish those who hurt us. Nevertheless, when we have released that negative energy, we are then free to use the energy for positive change.
So what is forgiveness? How do we define it? William Meninger, a Catholic monk, once said, “Forgiveness is not forgetting…It is not a clean-cut, one-time decision…It is not easy…It is not condoning…The hurt was not acceptable and is still wrong. If you make it okay, there is nothing to forgive. You forgive what is not okay.”1
That’s why it’s so difficult. You forgive what is not okay. Nevertheless, forgiveness is what we are to do, if we want to experience the delicious spiritual aura of freely-flowing forgiveness – God forgiving us in the same moment as we forgive others and in the same moment as we forgive ourselves and in the same moment when we feel God’s mercy enveloping us.
A few Sundays ago, I heard a sermon on John 20:21-23, which says,
21Again Jesus said, “Peace be with you! As the Father has sent me, I am sending you.” 22 And with that he breathed on them and said, “Receive the Holy Spirit. 23 If you forgive the sins of any, their sins are forgiven; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.”
I had always interpreted that to mean that if I forgive others’ sins, then so does God forgive them. If I do not – if I retain them — then so does God retain them. I’ve never been sure that I wanted that kind of power. Do you know what I mean?
But that day, I heard something different from the words of that preacher. The word “retain” loomed large before my eyes, as I heard the question in my spirit, “Where are those sins retained if I do not release them?” And then the answer entered my mind: If I refuse to forgive those who have hurt me, that means I agree to retain their sins – where? -- in my being! I retain someone else’s sins in my spirit, soul, and body. That means I allow those sins to continue to harm me throughout my entire essence!
Bessel van Der Kolk, M.D, wrote the book “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma.” Bingo! The body keeps the score when we’ve been traumatized. The Amazon description of his book says in part, “he uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity.”
I have therefore come to believe that, in addition to all the other reasons we are urged to forgive, one very important one is for our own sake! And so, we’ve come full circle. How do we come to the place where we can simply “let go.” How do we let the sins of the one who hurt us, leave us? Whether we’ve experienced that yet or not, it is clear: From Scripture and science, we are to “Let the sins of others go. Release our hold on those sins.”
Can we come to the place where we can do that? Do we even want to…yet? Be warned: It is an arduous journey. Nevertheless, let’s embark on it, hoping to find our peace.
1 The Process of Forgiveness. William Meninger