Have any of you been caught in a transition that seemed both a relief and yet at the same time caused more stress that keeps you from feeling the relief quite yet?
Here’s what I’m experiencing: the church job that I’ve had over the past three years has come to an end. I was transitional or interim pastor, and I knew that this day would come. I also knew that if I didn’t find another church job quickly, that I would be in financial difficulty.
My last Sunday at my church was July 20 of this year. No new job in sight. But something new was becoming clear. A relative died on June 3 and named me and my children as major beneficiaries. As things developed in the early days after her death, I learned through the lawyer that neither person named to serve as executor of the will wanted to perform that task. Long story short, the lawyer and court system made me Special Administrator.
So, relief from having to have a church job, but stepping into a role that was never eve on my radar, and becoming immersed with the various tasks I would have to do, have kept me from feeling the relief of the possibility of truly retiring from active ministry.
I fully entered the role of Special Administrator. Day in and day out, I focused on first this task and then that one. Slowly but surely, I was beginning to make progress. Then came the day when most of those initial tasks have been done. And I didn’t know what to do with myself. (I’m smiling at myself.) I was at a loss. I didn’t know what to do!
I’m tired. And yet the reality of my relief from church and the reality of the inheritance are beginning to peep through these complexities and tiredness like a rainbow of infused joy.
I’m about to made Personal Representative of the Estate. That means a whole new set of tasks: organize and hold the estate sale, sell the house, pay creditors. This story has more tales to tell. And so I press on. I once had a spiritual director who said “Be gentle with yourself.” More than once she said it. I have my own routine of being gentle with myself, as I step forward into the “Estate of Infused Joy” even though I’m tired. I can see the rainbow shining, reflecting the glory of the Lord.
I’m thankful for you, my readers. You mean a lot to me. Thank you.